02.2020
Hello Fear.
Where do you come from? Why are you here? What do you want with me?
Month of February. A bit gloomy and chilly. What’s more suitable of a topic than fear?
Well, I would like to introduce to you my friend The Troll, who keeps me safe in my cage. I’ve actually never seen it before with my own eyes. But I know very well that it exists.
If I do “this”, I may fail.
I may get laughed at, get disliked, get written off.
I become nobody.
Or worse, I become a miserable fool.
If I open up honestly about “this”, I may lose my best friend, my loved one.
I may create pain, suffering and sadness for them.
I become unlovable.
Or worse, I become an unbearable burden.
If I declare I am “this” way, I may not be seen as normal.
I may be labeled an oddball, a weirdo, a freak.
I become an outcast.
Or worse, I get abandoned in my loneliness forever.
I tell you, my cage is safe.
You may ask, what do I do when The Troll comes whispering?
I flee and hide.
I freeze myself up and hold my breath.
I faint so I won’t hear it.
I fight by pecking at my cage, making loud noises.
I numb myself by doing all kinds of things that kill my time and fill my head or gut or whatever.
But really, let me tell you a secret.
What I recently learned is that The Troll is always going to be there.
None of my fleeing, freezing, fainting, fighting or numbing is going to get rid of it.
Yikes! What a bummer.
It is like my own shadow, following me around and lurking somewhere close.
Somewhere I cannot see.
But wait, The Troll isn’t here.
None of what it whispers is ACTUALLY happening right at this moment.
It’s just that it MIGHT happen.
So is it real or not?
One day, I couldn’t stand it any more and decided to face The Troll.
I asked why it was here.
You know what it told me?
It was there because I cared.
I cared so much, about doing and having and being “this”, that The Troll was trying to warn me and keep me safe.
Keep me safe from what?
It kept me safe from losing the ultimate things we humans needed to survive.
Huh?
The true whisper.
If I do, have, be “this”,
I will not belong
I will not be loved
I will not be held.
And what happens to us humans when we can’t belong, can’t be loved, can’t be held?
We expire.
So I thanked The Troll for keeping me safe, and gave it a hug.
We heaved a sigh of relief.
It is totally ok that I am here, and it is totally ok that The Troll is here too.
We decided we would be partners for life.
The true learning.
The Troll will show up for me when something really matters.
When something I care about is about to take shape.
You know what I’d do next time it shows up?
I am going to get curious and face it.
Try to sense what the deep care is about.
And lean into it.
Be free.
I am courageous to be me.
The true me shall be seen and be heard, be cherished and loved.
Me the whole of it, including my shadow partner The Troll.
I fly out there with my wings, singing my triumphant song, with The Troll trailing right behind me.
Come along for this joyous ride!
Come along this journey that has just begun.
Written by Sanae Parra
In gratitude to Veronica Love, for the gift of awareness
© Copyright 2020